Work Visits

I remember being at work and at times the sound of small baby would drift down the hall way. Heads would poke out of offices as we all greeted whoever brought in their new bundle of joy. It is somewhat of a tradition that babies come into the office to be introduced to those that have been carefully monitoring the bump that preceded them.

On Tuesday, it was my turn to take in little Isaac to meet the people I work with. Because Isaac was born nearly five weeks early, he is quite tiny (in the 5th percentile) so everyone exclaims on how little he is. For us he seems huge since we first brought him home - he has nearly doubled in size during the first five weeks – going from 2.61kg to 3.49kg! Everyone cooed over how cute (and small!) he is and suggested whether he looked like more like Nathan or I. It seems with his eyes closed he looks like me - when they are open, people think more like Nathan.

It was a touch surreal to be in the office and yet not really a part of the office at the moment. Wandering up to work and seeing people talking seriously over coffee meetings at the various coffee shops along the way reminded me of a world that I won’t be part of again for some time. I did get a chance to catch up with my team and touch base with those currently leading the team. It was nice to talk about work projects for a little while, but even nicer to come home with Isaac and relax. I feel confident that my team is working well without me (apparently my absence did not cause the sky to fall in :) ) but I do miss them.

Wonderful Partners - Daddies who do their bit

My husband and I have always shared the upkeep of the household. We work similar hours and contribute the same amount of income so sharing the housework seems quite natural. I still can’t believe that there are blokes out there who think it’s appropriate for the woman to bear the brunt of the housework. It’s also a huge lost opportunity for them – Nathan and I have some great chats whilst preparing the evening meal or grocery shopping together.

So, in the same vein, we were all for co-parenting Isaac. Nathan is completely besotted by his little son and loves to cuddle him at any given chance. He has never baulked at changing a nappy, laughs when Isaac “leaks” on either of us and is excellent at settling Isaac when he is upset. He has (and this is above and beyond the call of duty) taken 8 weeks off to spend with us.

I know that not every family can do that and I feel really privileged that we are in this situation. It means that Nathan is able to establish some very strong early bonds with Isaac which I know will be evident in later life. It also means that in the past few weeks I have gone to the hair dresser for a full colour rather than just rushing in between feeds. I have had a beautiful beauty and massage treatment and a couple of dinners out with girlfriends. Nathan is quite happy to give Isaac the expressed feed and I think they really enjoy that time together. I am not quite sure what I am going to do when he is back at work!

It has also given me a whole new level of respect for those that parent alone or with a partner who is not supportive. The last few weeks have been delightful but I am sure that would be different if I didn’t have the support I have. I would encourage all new dads to be on as hands on as possible – you only get this opportunity once in your child’s life. Also, there is nothing sexier than seeing your partner change a nappy or clean the kitchen. If the old love life has stalled after the birth – it’s not a bad way to kick start it ;)

Baby's first shopping trip

We had our first proper shopping trip with Isaac to the DFO the other day. Rather than driving around the car park tailing people who looked like they were leaving we swung into a pram park right outside the shopping centre. Glee was all over Nathan’s face! After wrestling with the pram (only slightly) we were all inside the centre. As often occurs when we shop, Nathan looked at his stores and I wandered around the ones I liked. Well I tried to whilst manoeuvring a pram around fixtures – I have a new found respect for those with mobility issues. I found a top that I liked and wanted to try on and came across a new problem – change rooms are not built for prams. So rather hesitantly I let the shop keeper keep an eye on Isaac as I changed – all the while feeling that I was a terrible mother to do so. After that, Nathan and I shopped as a team!

When you have a new baby you are suddenly admitted into the parents club. The closest I can liken it to is when you buy a new car and suddenly everyone with same model waves or gives a knowing nod as you pass each other on the freeway. Well apparently a similar set of rules apply with children. You are asked how old, when was he born, whether he’s your first, how you are finding it and so the list goes on. Everyone is suddenly incredibly helpful and friendly – which is lovely. I had a nice natter to a lady who was saying that slings are most definitely the way to go in shopping centres rather than trying to manage a pram. I am one of those people that can never seem to steer a shopping trolley in the right direction, so I am a little challenged when it comes to the pram and her advice made sense to me.

Time seems to exist in some sort of vortex with shopping centres and our 2 hour shopping trip (to coincide with feeds) stretched to three hours. So I was off to another parents’ room – and again I was surprised by the palatial dimensions. We are really lucky to have these kinds of facilities and I am grateful to whoever lobbied for us to get them.

I can’t say that shopping with a baby is quite as relaxing as it used to be but it was still a fun experience and at least I got a few tops that I can breast-feed comfortably in. On the way out another parent spied us with our new bub getting into the car. “Pram parks” she smiled, “best thing about children” and then laughed – “No, there are lots of wonderful things – just wait and see” and so we shall!

What I thought being a mother would be like

A few of my friends indicated that I would feel the following upon becoming a mother:

• You will change forever and the way that you look at your partner will change forever
• Becoming a parent is like really joining the human family
• Once you become a parent that is when you truly grow up
• You will struggle with having a little person that is entirely, utterly reliant on you
• You will be bored at home
• You won’t have time to be bored at home
• It will be the best thing you have ever done

Now some of those assumptions are quite condescending towards those that have made the valid choice not to have children. I don’t feel that having a child completes me, makes me into an adult or ties me in a stronger way to the human race. What I have felt is an overwhelming sense of love for my child accompanied by a fierce desire to protect Isaac. I feel like there is another dimension to my life, rather than a loss of self. I feel that I will learn so much from being a mother and that, as all life experiences do, it will make me a better rounded person. I know that it will teach me patience (a much needed lesson!)

I haven’t yet been bored at home, but I can see how that might happen. Time is a luxury that we aren’t often afforded, so I want to use it to learn new things and rediscover old hobbies. As for feeling tied down or resentful of the demands of a newborn – I haven’t felt that. I think that the overwhelming desire to keep him safe and happy overrides any feelings of resentment. I literally would do anything for him. I know its early days and perhaps my outlook is rosier that it should be but one thing is for sure though – it’s the best thing we have ever done.

Breastfeeding in public

Breastfeeding in public can be quite daunting and there does seem to be an art in doing it discreetly. In Australia, it is illegal to discriminate against a breast feeding mother in the area of goods and services (including restaurants, clubs etc), so ensure that you are aware of your rights. However, to ensure that you are comfortable, you might like to look out for restaurants that show the breastfeeding welcome sign to indicate that they are fine with breast feeding mothers. If another patron objects to your breast feeding you can point out politely that you are within your legal rights to breastfeed and if they find it offensive they may like to refrain from watching. However, there does need to be a balance and I personally feel that it’s worth being discreet. You will also find that people are more likely to accept you feeding a small baby than an older one.
In order to feed discretely, you might like to view how you feed in a mirror so that you can get an idea of how it looks to others. Remember that your baby will hide the lower breast and nipple whilst feeding. Attaching baby is probably the time when you are most worried about revealing more than you want to. Take a shawl, pashmina or baby wrap and place around your shoulders, covering your breast. Put this around both shoulders – I have tried to the one shoulder technique and the material inevitable ends up slipping off! You can then feed your baby under the wrap.
Other options include wearing a very loose t-shirt and feeding baby from under the shirt. If you are a bit of a fashionista going out in a over sized t-shirt may not appeal! Another option is investing in a few little jackets, cardigans or shrugs which can go over a singlet and offer cover when you are attaching baby. I would recommend purchasing a few maternity singlets - Big W seems to have the best prices for the bonds variety.
If you are nervous about breast feeding in public, try to ensure that your outing is near or in a shopping centre with a parent room. If you are nervous or upset when feeding your baby, your baby will also become upset. It does become easier with time and the first time you breastfeed in public you will be uncomfortable – until you realise that no-one around you is really that concerned!

Bring a perfect baby into an imperfect world

I often feed Isaac in the morning whilst watching the news. Bombings in the middle east, wars between Israel and Palestine, floods in Fiji, stock markets tumbling all make me wonder about the world we have brought our little one into.

I think each generation worries about this – when I was born my parents would have been concerned about terrorism, an economy that was starting to fail and the threat of nuclear war. And yet we have come out the other side relatively unscathed.

On the plus side I am bringing Isaac up in a world that has been ready to accept and embrace the first African American president, a world that is starting to recognise and act upon its environmental responsibilities, a world where miracles occur – such as a pilot landing a plane with two failed engines into a river and avoiding any fatalities. While the news is filled with the economic crisis it’s hard to focus on the positive, but the good news is definitely there.

I can’t wait to see the world through Isaac’s eyes – each little thing a wondrous event as he explores his world. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child will turn around the cynic and open our eyes to the beauty of our earth.

How to keep your relationship on track with a newborn

Obviously a newborn changes your life quite dramatically and it would be naive to think it’s not going to impact on the relationship you have with your partner. I have found the following useful:

1. Sit down and talk about how you would each parent, including your own experiences as a child. Specifically for a newborn talk about whether you will be trying to get your baby into a feeding routine straight away or whether you will demand feed. Also talk about how you feel about co-sleeping.
2. Talk about how your partner will be involved in baby care – nappy changes, baths, cuddles, settling and feeding (expressed or formula) as well as how you will share care of the house. Talk about your expectations of each other and what you will accept. Are you okay with having a messy house? Not having a cooked meal each evening?
3. If you are breast feeding you will feel that you are doing the lioness’ share of the work. Recognise that and try not to resent your partner for it. Don’t feel guilty about getting them to help out in other ways.
4. You will both be tired and if something frustrates you, you are likely to take it out on each other. It’s going to be something small and silly and escalate into something bigger where you might say something you don’t mean. If you feel yourself getting frustrated try to catch that feeling early and remove yourself from the situation. This might be counting to ten or leaving the room.
5. If an argument does escalate try to resolve your issue prior to going to bed. Once you have both cooled down, talk out what the underlying issues are.
6. Keep kissing and cuddling – affection is really important and it will relax you.
7. Make time to laugh together every day. Look at your newborn together and enjoy your new family.

Nathan and I have a very strong relationship and this advice is aimed at couples with a similar experience. If you are really struggling with your partner and a newborn, getting in touch with Realtionships Australia - http://www.relationships.com.au/ might help.

Managing Sleeping (yours!)

There are a million books (so it seems!) on getting baby to sleep but what about mummy?

My tips are:

1. Go to bed early – you don’t win any prizes for staying up late. I go to bed between 8:45pm and 9:30pm. Yes, you might feel like a 12 year old but it’s worth it. Even if you think you could not possibly be tired at that hour, try it out.


2. Get yourself into a bedtime routine – a standard time for bed and some kind of ritual, such as a shower or reading a book prior to sleep.


3. If you cannot get to sleep, try using some lavender oil on your pillow. I also find going through a relaxation routine is very helpful. Concentrate on your breathing and then move through each muscle group in your body (starting from your feet) tensing and then relaxing. Imagine a golden light coming through your body from your feet and your whole body becoming very heavy.


4. Let go of the feeling “what’s the point of sleeping when I will be up in an hour to feed?” Instead think, “I have an hour – I choose to use that hour to rest”


5. Have a nanna nap in the afternoon between feeds.


6. Babies make all sorts of snuffly sounds as they sleep – don’t strain to hear those sounds (particularly after a feed). Instead train yourself to sleep through these – if your baby genuinely needs you their cry will wake you.


7. Aim to have at least one hour to yourself each day where you concentrate on you. Try not to be thinking about the baby, the house work or the list of things to do. During that hour or so, be selfish, live in that moment and think only of yourself. This might mean a bath, reading a book or watching a DVD - whatever you find relaxing. A refreshed mother makes for a happier baby so don’t feel guilty about thinking of yourself for a little while.

Top 5 things you wish someone would have told you about caring for a newborn

There are a few things that I wish someone had told me...

1. 1. Buy nappies online – it’s as cheap as or cheaper than from the supermarket and it’s so easy when it’s delivered to your door. One less thing to worry about! I use http://www.nappysupplies.com.au/ and literally the nappies are at my door within hours.


2. If you are breastfeeding, express a little milk each day or second day. This allows you freedom to go out without worrying about needing to be home within a certain time to feed baby. It also allows your partner to take a night time feed, giving you much needed rest! I find that the plastic bags you can buy from chemists to store and freeze breast milk the most useful. I also think an electric breast pump is a good investment.


3. It will actually be a wonderful time! So many books and magazines seem to focus on the transition to motherhood being a difficult and trying time. I have been very lucky, but I have found motherhood to be nothing but pure joy. I really had assumed that the first six weeks were going to be awful but have been pleasantly surprised to find that they have been lovely (so far!).


4. Do not put yourself under house arrest. The wonderful thing about newborns is how portable they are! They sleep a lot of the time and fit into slings and capsules. Go out to dinner or lunch – make sure that you “rejoin” the world as soon as you feel up to it. Whether that's with your baby or catching up with a friend while someone else minds bub (again express, express, express!). With baby, shopping centres are a great option as they have fabulous parent rooms. I assumed a parent room would be a small room with a chair but most are full on lounges with TVs, microwaves for heating milk and loads of comfortable seating for breastfeeding. Most seem to be the size of a small house! If anybody tells you that you shouldn't be out with such a small baby remind that s/he had to get home from the hospital somehow.


5. Read, read, read but realise that the expert on your baby and you is you and your baby. Books will often give conflicting advice and other people definitely will. Get to know your baby first and foremost. Use the helpful advice, setting aside anything that doesn’t work for you.

Mummy Guilt and Childcare

Motherhood guilt and judgement happens as soon as your pregnant bump reveals itself. The sidelong disapproving glance when you have a cappuccino. The wine glass whisked away at lunch as “you obviously won’t be drinking” when you rather had your heart set on a cheeky red.

The issue of working mothers is the one where guilt and judgement come into their own. People say things like “if you are going to continue working, why bother having children?” or “don’t you want to bring up your own child?” These statements assume that being a good mother and a career woman are mutually exclusive roles. For some reason we have come to accept the idea that a woman staying home full time to look after her children is the natural order of things. In fact it’s a fairly modern construct. Prior to the industrial revolution the roles of father (bread winner) and mother (care giver) where not so defined. Children were a part of parent’s working life on the land and care giving for infants was shared amongst a larger family unit. Indeed in agricultural cultures this is still the case. However, in the West our working conditions do not lend themselves to caring for a baby whilst we work and our nuclear families leave little room for shared care. Therefore the choice becomes stay at home mother or working mother with a child in day care. Those that can afford it may have the luxury of a nanny, but that’s a small proportion of us. There has been growing evidence to suggest that extended time in child care for children less than two years of age is detrimental to development. The conclusion drawn from this is that a mother who puts her child into care is a “bad mother”. And once again, the blame is shifted to the mother rather than looking for a proper solution to the issue. Work places need to become more child friendly and more flexible work practices need to be created. I am lucky in that IT is a field where it’s easy to work from home but that freedom needs to be extended. If every mother were to stay at home with her children until aged 3 or 4 the economy would collapse – we simply could not support that kind of exit from the work force. This is broader than a mother or women’s issue – it’s an issue that affects everybody. A mother’s choice and needs should be supported – rather than engaging in “mummy wars” about whether a woman should work or not with children we should be looking for solutions that allow mothers to be with their kids whilst working. Mothers should not be made guilty for wanting to retain their careers, nor should they feel that the only valid choice for continuing their careers is if the money is necessary for the upkeep of the household. I read a book which suggested “if you could afford not to work, but you do go back to work, tell people that you need the extra money to pay the mortgage to avoid judgement.” I think we need to stop the judging and start working towards the solution.

Problem Solving with a baby

As an IT manager you are constantly solving problems. Technical issues are generally quite gratifying to solve – you have a set of circumstances and by either a process of elimination or a thorough knowledge of the system you fix the issue. Everyone around you hails you as a hero and you feel rather chuffed with yourself.

Trying to find out why a baby is crying is proving rather different. The process of elimination still works well – is it a dirty nappy? Is he hungry? Cold? Hot? Windy? In need of a cuddle? The problem arises when you exhaust these options and baby is still crying. The books say that sometimes babies just cry and all that really helps is focusing on the fact that “this too will pass”. That’s all very zen and I am trying to adopt that relaxed attitude. But when the cry of your baby pierces the air, pitiful and pleading, and you can do nothing to comfort him you feel less than relaxed. We are learning the cries – loud, high pitched and getting louder and increasingly high pitched is a “feed me” cry. A lower cry that doesn’t change is a “pick me up” cry. Isaac is a great baby and we have only had a few crying jags that last about half an hour. So I really feel for those that have “colicky” babies that cry often and apparently without reason. Particularly when you are used to being able to fix issues, it’s frustrating to be faced with a seemingly inconsolable little one. What we are trying is:

1. Always offer the breast if you are breast feeding. For Isaac, even if he isn’t hungry this tends to settle him.
2. If you are getting “over it”or feeling like you are going to "lose it" pass the baby over to someone else.
3. Talk to your baby through the screams – for some reason this makes me feel a little more in control.
4. Realise that this isn’t your fault or the baby’s fault. Take a few deep breaths. Any relaxation exercises you may have used during your antenatal classes might help.

Nursery Decor

I have yet to meet a man whose ambitions for their infant do not include sporting glory. Nathan is no different – though perhaps a little more “hard core” than most. So the theme for our nursery was always going to be sports related. Now if you go down to your local Target / DJs / Myer etc. you will notice that there are linens decorated with pirates, safari animals, farm animals, cars, trains and planes for little boy rooms. There are no sports options. There are few great websites (mostly in the states) that do have sports linen (check out http://www.thecompanystore.com/defaultkids2.asp), however due to shipping costs we decided to DIY.
I made some football wall hangings (above). To make these I cut two halves of a football shape out of contrasting fabric and sewed together. I then threaded red ribbon between the two halves to create the “lace”. I then put the “football” onto a calico backing and stuffed lightly. Stitch onto some cheap canvas and there you go.
I also made some wall hangings from fabric sourced from a craft shop and trimmed the curtains and made cushions in the same fabric.
We will be getting some sports pennants (online from http://www.sportswall.com/) and hanging these on the wall. Ikea has a great range of soft sports balls that we also have put around the room.
There are some fantastic wall decals out there - these ones take the cake for me http://www.allposters.com/-st/Basketball-Giant-Wall-Decals-Posters_c96484_.htm, but a bit on the exxy side!
Once Isaac is a little older, we will purchase a locker to put his clothes in – again Ikea have a great range. We will also affix a small basketball hoop above a waste paper basket just for fun.
I am quite happy with the end result – which is a bright and happy room that can grow with Isaac.

Keeping a clean house with a new born

Without fail every baby book you read will tell you to “forget about the housework – sleep when baby is sleeping”. But if you are one of those people that can’t sleep when the house is a mess that just doesn’t work. Here are a few shortcuts to a clean house with a newborn:

1. Make sure that every thing has its place, and every place has its thing. Ideally it’s best to do a spring clean before bub comes along. The rule I follow – if it isn’t functional, useful or seriously sentimental, it goes. It’s much easier to keep a house clean that isn’t full of clutter.


2. Some clutter is unavoidable – to keep “baby thing sprawl” under control, have a basket in each room that may have baby stuff in it. Chuck everything into the basket for an instant tidy.


3. Have a “clean as you go” rule – helpful for bathroom and kitchen. Whenever a meal is made, a cup used etc. the person that used that cup or made that meal cleans as they go. Have a chux near the bathroom sink so that it can be wiped after use. Obviously this is going to work better with adults than children! It's much easier to keep the kitchen tidy if you have one pot meals.


4. If you can afford it, get a cleaner in. If you have good family and friend support, see if they are willing to come over for a cleaning “bee” – this can be good to get those tough jobs like oven cleaning, fridge defrosting done.


5. If it’s all just too overwhelming – try to leave one room in your house neat and tidy and use that as your “retreat” room when looking at the mess gets too much.

Lesson #1 - Babies don't adhere to Gantt charts (or if you want make God laugh - tell him your plans)

Part of my job is project management – something I love doing! Drawing up PRINCE diagrams and Gantt charts is a source of much fun for me. Yes, I am a project management tragic. I approached pregnancy as though it was another IT project. There were lists and milestones. Each bit of weight gain was diligently recorded and graphed. Each appointment summarised and documented in a spreadsheet. Every item of clothing given to us for Isaac was listed with size, date received and date washed. You probably think I am exaggerating – I am not. I walked into my midwife appointments with my carefully cross referenced folder and was greeted by a wry smile and "first baby then?" The midwives knew that babies have little regard for PRINCE 2. Isaac was born 4 and half weeks early. The evening of the 24th I had mild cramps - much like period pain but I dismissed it as baby starting to descend. There was a small voice that said - what if this is it? But I decided it couldn't be labour because I didn't want my baby to born so near Christmas, we had a holiday planned for early January and I hadn't yet finished up work. By 10:30pm the next evening, I held our new little baby in my arms. Strangely enough, once labour had definitely established a feeling of calm fell over me and I started to be quite zen about the whole thing. At some point I accepted that our little miracle was coming into our lives and that was a wonderful thing, no matter how ill prepared we might be. Isaac arrived after a dream labour, lasting only 7 hours from water breaking. Despite being so early, he was a good weight and the only issue was some jaundice treated by billi lights. Suddenly, plans are out the window and priorities have shifted.