Misconceptions

In my early twenties I read Noami Wolf's book misconceptions and, at the time, considered a collection of good excuses not to have children.  I thought it would be interesting to re-read as a new mother.  Overwhelming, Noami's experience seemed to be a negative one.  Of course, she talks about the love you have your baby that nothing can prepare you for - that's standard in books of this ilk.  She tackles issues that may be more prevalent in the US then they are here, such as the lack of maternity leave options and the attitudes of health care professionals to expectant mothers.  In her book she talks about the dismissive way she was treated by her doctors - as though she herself was the infant she was carrying.  I found that the midwives at the mater were excellent - they explained things thoroughly - even when I asked about things like not vaccinating one of the midwives was honest enough to tell me that she had decided not immunise her own children and her reasons why.  This would be definitely against the hospital line but I appreciated her honesty.  My birth experience was very positive and I laboured quickly so I cannot comment on whether the hospital would have intervened before nature intended.  This is a large part of what Wolf writes about it - that hospital's deliver babies in a way that's best for them and their insurance policies, rather than what's best for mother and baby.  I have been lucky and the doctors and midwives I have dealt with were respectful. When Isaac was very seriously jaundiced and needed to go under lights I asked several questions about his SBR levels, treatment and what, if any, problems could arise in later life.  The doctors answered all my questions but when I talked to one of the nurses the next evening, asking about his SBRs etc. she looked at me in surprise and assumed that I was actually a trained medical professional.  I found that attitude interesting - that I wouldn't know any medical information about my baby unless I actually was a doctor, midwife or nurse by profession.  I think this shows that it's something that mothers need to meet in the middle on - we should be treated with respect by our baby's health carers, but we should also learn as much as we can ourselves.  

The "money thing"

I have always enjoyed my career and the freedom that an income of my own provides. From the time I was 14 and able to work, I have. As a person that likes to keep busy and productive, work has been something that has given me value and identity. I am now doing one of the most important jobs of all, but it has no financial reward (government assistance aside). My husband earns a good wage and the maternity leave provisions at my work are generous so we are doing fine, but I miss the independence of my own money.

Of course my husband and I consider each other’s earnings “ours” but at the moment I cannot escape the fact that he is the only one contributing to the pot. That’s the thought that whispers in my ear as I consider a new dress or shoes. Of course the lack of income also comes at a time when I have plenty of hours to peruse shopping centres!

Previously when I spent $200 on a haircut it made me feel strong and independent – able to lavish cash on something that makes me feel good. Now doing the same thing would make me feel guilty. Again, I feel lucky to be in a position where I can stay at home with Isaac for a while – I know that’s a luxury not afforded every new mum. However, modern society puts so much emphasis on what you do for living that not being part of that world seems to result in some loss of self identity. After all, it’s probably the first thing new people ask when you meet them – “what do you do?”

There is one form of guilt-free shopping – it’s okay if it’s for Isaac. That’s why there are so many cute kids stores out there.

Baby Love

When I look at Isaac I feel a depth of love that I never thought possible. Every little gurgle and smile makes my heart burst. To see him being cuddled by his father is the most beautiful sight I have ever be-held. When he sleeps through the night (bless him), I miss not having seen him in a number of hours. And when he cries I feel his pain as though it is my own. In short, like millions of women before me and millions of women after, I am completely in love with my baby.

Before I had Isaac people would tell me that you cannot comprehend a mother’s love until you are one. I didn’t believe a word of it and thought it arrogant to assume that one kind of love wasn't attainable by all people – but now I find it to be true and it gives me a new perspective on my relationship with my own mother. I remember back to those tumultuous teenage years when I raged against my parents – throwing their love back in their face. As teenagers go, I wasn’t terrible – I got good grades, had nice friends, didn’t dabble in alcohol or drugs and was relatively sensible. But, like all good teenagers, I did feel that my parents had no understanding of me. Whilst it’s years and years away, it already breaks my heart that no doubt Isaac will go through the same thing with us.

At the moment I am his world. When he is held by another person, he looks around to make sure that he can see me. Sometimes I am the only one that can soothe his cries. It’s impossible not to feel special. And whereas the fact that one day he won’t need me like that saddens me, what saddens me more is the fact that some babies don’t have someone adoring them. It is hard to believe that there are some children out there that don't get this absolute love lavished upon them. I read somewhere that babies want you to delight in them. I cannot help but delight in my little boy.

Mother Guilt - Easing up on ourselves

I have written about mother guilt before but I continue to be surprised how we sabotage ourselves with this guilt. I talk to mums who have had to give up breast feeding for very good medical reasons and they still feel guilty that they aren’t giving their baby “the best start in life.” We worry when our kids eat too much/too little, sleep too much/too little and we always believe it’s our fault and that we need to be doing something to address the issue.

I am trying to be pretty laid back about how I raise Zac at the moment. He sleeps through the night and therefore I am really not worried about forcing him into a routine during the day. If he sleeps by himself – great! If he needs me to cuddle him whilst he sleeps – oh well, he won’t want to do that in a few years time and I will enjoy it while I can.

As professional women who are used to solving problems it can be very hard to adjust to something we can’t immediately “fix”. Particularly when what worked yesterday doesn’t work today. But I think we need to ease up on ourselves. This isn’t the kind of job that comes with a performance review or even immediate results. We need to watch the self talk – and ensure that we encourage ourselves. Why is that whenever we change a nappy or have to leave our child resulting in a screaming baby we say things like “Oh, I know Honey, Mummy is so horrible to you but we will be done in just a moment “? We have to leave our babies sometimes and obviously nappies need to be changed. I am as guilty as anyone of doing this, but I am going to try to ease up on myself. I am sure that will make for a happier mummy and a happier baby!

Mothers Group Ideas

Isaac and I are lucky enough to be part of two wonderful mothers groups. We look forward to catching up with the other mums and babies and sharing how we are going. Thankfully, both groups are very open and honest and there has been an absence of competitive parenting.

Instead, we talk about how we are managing sleep and feeding issues as well as just general new-mum talk. We have also been talking about what we are going to do in the coming weeks. I thought I’d post our list of ideas:

• Babes in Arms – BCC cinemas host babe in arms movie session for $8.50 where bubs are welcome.
• Story Time and Ryhme Time – City Council libraries host story times and rhyme times for babies – check out Whats On at your library – http://www.brisbane.qld.gov.au/BCC:BASE::pc=PC_2361
• Picnics in a park
• Photo Session – a chance to get some nice photos of you and Bub instead of you always being behind the camera!
• Footprint & Handprint art – get some canvasses and get creative and messy with creating works of art with your babies. You can get very small canvasses that will accommodate a baby foot print or handprint – you can pop some magnetic material on the back and it makes a lovely fridge magnet that can be posted to family and friends. I am hoping our group will get some very large canvasses so that we can put all our babies footprints and hand prints on it.
• Favourite Stories – share your own favourite books with the other babies and mums
• Baby Yoga
• Baby Massage
• Go out without the kids and get to know each other in a more grown up environment such as dinner or (can I say it?) clubbing!
• BBQ with the hubbies/partners & bubs
• Grandmothers morning tea - where everyone brings along their mother/mother in law

I am sure that our list of activities will grow but this will be a fabulous start!