The Working Mother

I have neglected this blog for sometime now and a kindly comment from a dear friend (you know who you are :) ) prompted me to write again.

The last few months have bore witness to the happiest and most difficult times of my life.

Isaac has fast grown into a little boy - rushing around the place, seeking (and finding!) mischief wherever he goes. Everything is to be wondered at and explored. He comes out with the most hilarious of things and Nathan and I wonder what those without 18 month olds do for entertainment. The other day he pointed at a line he had drawn and said “circle” - everything that is to do with drawing is a “circle” at the moment. “No,” we corrected, “Line.” To which Isaac replied “Roar!” He joins in singing nursery rhymes and his favourite book is “going on a bear hunt” as he can join in on the “Uh-Oh” and “Oh-No” parts of the book. He says “Yes” with such conviction but only shakes his head for no.

The challenging times stemmed from my going back to work. In October, I started back at work intending to work a four day week. As I returned we were in throes of moving buildings. This was incredible well managed by maternity replacement and in the end the move weekend went like clockwork. However, it was still a long weekend with only a few hours of sleep - as I was still breast feeding Isaac at night I returned home each evening and snatched a few hours of sleep before the feeding, driving, working cycle began again.

The next week was spent trouble shooting and putting on minor fires. When people asked me if I missed my little boy and I could honestly say I didn't even have time to think about it. Perhaps I was in denial, but picking him up at the end of a long day and seeing his gorgeous smile quickly became the highlight of my day.

Following the move, we merged with another firm, which brought on a month of long weeks to get the IT systems integrated. If this had happened before Isaac came along I would have relished the opportunity. However, I ended up feeling what thousands of working mothers have felt before me - that I wasn’t giving enough at home and I wasn’t giving enough at work – stretched so thin between the two, I was afraid I would break. In the end, the merge went very well and through support from Nathan and my family, Isaac didn’t suffer. Like having a child itself, being a working mother is one of things that you cannot truly understand until you are doing it. When working is combined with interrupted sleep and (in our case) child care arrangements that need to be made day by day, you begin to realise just how hard it can be. By the end of the month I was an emotional and physical wreck!

CGW is very supportive of families and I was very lucky to be offered a two day, rather than four day, a week role. I grabbed it with both hands and I have finally achieved a sense of balance between my working life and being home with my boy. Isaac is now settled at a terrific day care centre for my two working days. He seems to love it there - they have the kind of staff who make every parent think their child is the favourite.

When I am at work, I am still a mother, and when I am at home, I am still very concerned about my work. However, the days where each and every dream was about work and every thought centered around the current project are behind me now. I am still very committed to my job, but the work-life balance that always eluded me prior to Isaac seems to have been addressed by a gorgeous little fellow whose smile lights up my life.

Work Visits

I remember being at work and at times the sound of small baby would drift down the hall way. Heads would poke out of offices as we all greeted whoever brought in their new bundle of joy. It is somewhat of a tradition that babies come into the office to be introduced to those that have been carefully monitoring the bump that preceded them.

On Tuesday, it was my turn to take in little Isaac to meet the people I work with. Because Isaac was born nearly five weeks early, he is quite tiny (in the 5th percentile) so everyone exclaims on how little he is. For us he seems huge since we first brought him home - he has nearly doubled in size during the first five weeks – going from 2.61kg to 3.49kg! Everyone cooed over how cute (and small!) he is and suggested whether he looked like more like Nathan or I. It seems with his eyes closed he looks like me - when they are open, people think more like Nathan.

It was a touch surreal to be in the office and yet not really a part of the office at the moment. Wandering up to work and seeing people talking seriously over coffee meetings at the various coffee shops along the way reminded me of a world that I won’t be part of again for some time. I did get a chance to catch up with my team and touch base with those currently leading the team. It was nice to talk about work projects for a little while, but even nicer to come home with Isaac and relax. I feel confident that my team is working well without me (apparently my absence did not cause the sky to fall in :) ) but I do miss them.

Mummy Guilt and Childcare

Motherhood guilt and judgement happens as soon as your pregnant bump reveals itself. The sidelong disapproving glance when you have a cappuccino. The wine glass whisked away at lunch as “you obviously won’t be drinking” when you rather had your heart set on a cheeky red.

The issue of working mothers is the one where guilt and judgement come into their own. People say things like “if you are going to continue working, why bother having children?” or “don’t you want to bring up your own child?” These statements assume that being a good mother and a career woman are mutually exclusive roles. For some reason we have come to accept the idea that a woman staying home full time to look after her children is the natural order of things. In fact it’s a fairly modern construct. Prior to the industrial revolution the roles of father (bread winner) and mother (care giver) where not so defined. Children were a part of parent’s working life on the land and care giving for infants was shared amongst a larger family unit. Indeed in agricultural cultures this is still the case. However, in the West our working conditions do not lend themselves to caring for a baby whilst we work and our nuclear families leave little room for shared care. Therefore the choice becomes stay at home mother or working mother with a child in day care. Those that can afford it may have the luxury of a nanny, but that’s a small proportion of us. There has been growing evidence to suggest that extended time in child care for children less than two years of age is detrimental to development. The conclusion drawn from this is that a mother who puts her child into care is a “bad mother”. And once again, the blame is shifted to the mother rather than looking for a proper solution to the issue. Work places need to become more child friendly and more flexible work practices need to be created. I am lucky in that IT is a field where it’s easy to work from home but that freedom needs to be extended. If every mother were to stay at home with her children until aged 3 or 4 the economy would collapse – we simply could not support that kind of exit from the work force. This is broader than a mother or women’s issue – it’s an issue that affects everybody. A mother’s choice and needs should be supported – rather than engaging in “mummy wars” about whether a woman should work or not with children we should be looking for solutions that allow mothers to be with their kids whilst working. Mothers should not be made guilty for wanting to retain their careers, nor should they feel that the only valid choice for continuing their careers is if the money is necessary for the upkeep of the household. I read a book which suggested “if you could afford not to work, but you do go back to work, tell people that you need the extra money to pay the mortgage to avoid judgement.” I think we need to stop the judging and start working towards the solution.