Comparisons

Mothers groups are wonderful. It's such a pleasure to catch up with other mums who know exactly what you are going through. However there is always the temptation to compare bubs. Isaac is at least a month younger than most of the babies we know, so he is and always will be a little behind in achieving milestones. Adding to that the fact that he was born a month early, I know I have to give him time to get there. However, when everyone pops their baby on their tummy and the other babies raise their heads high on strong arms, Isaac gently lays his cheek against the floor and decides it's as good a time as any for a nap. I start to feel that twinge of mother guilt - what I am doing wrong? Until another mother looks wistfully at Isaac and says "I wish my baby could put himself to sleep like that." At the same time I am thinking "I need to give him more tummy time - he is so behind the other babies". Yet, just shy of 6 months, he decided the other day to roll over. I watched him roll, very precisely, from his back onto his tummy. He played there for a while and then rolled from his tummy to his back. I had been worrying for weeks that he hadn't rolled yet and was very behind on basic milestones.

Isaac has excelled at two things since birth - eating and sleeping (ah he is his father's son). We have had 10 hour stretches of sleep at night since he was around 9 weeks old, for which I am incredibly grateful. I am sure that this was no magic on my part and just an incredible stroke of luck. We have recently started solids and we can't shovel the carrot in fast enough for our little man. One mothers group I was feeding Isaac his favourite carrot when another mother asked "how is doing that? I must be doing something wrong." Mother's groups are wonderful but we need to make sure that we don't assume we are doing something wrong when the babies around us appear to be doing things differently. As I keep reminding myself - by the time they are 3 years old, they will have all caught up to one another. In the meantime I am enjoying my little baby whilst I can.

Mummy Guilt and Childcare

Motherhood guilt and judgement happens as soon as your pregnant bump reveals itself. The sidelong disapproving glance when you have a cappuccino. The wine glass whisked away at lunch as “you obviously won’t be drinking” when you rather had your heart set on a cheeky red.

The issue of working mothers is the one where guilt and judgement come into their own. People say things like “if you are going to continue working, why bother having children?” or “don’t you want to bring up your own child?” These statements assume that being a good mother and a career woman are mutually exclusive roles. For some reason we have come to accept the idea that a woman staying home full time to look after her children is the natural order of things. In fact it’s a fairly modern construct. Prior to the industrial revolution the roles of father (bread winner) and mother (care giver) where not so defined. Children were a part of parent’s working life on the land and care giving for infants was shared amongst a larger family unit. Indeed in agricultural cultures this is still the case. However, in the West our working conditions do not lend themselves to caring for a baby whilst we work and our nuclear families leave little room for shared care. Therefore the choice becomes stay at home mother or working mother with a child in day care. Those that can afford it may have the luxury of a nanny, but that’s a small proportion of us. There has been growing evidence to suggest that extended time in child care for children less than two years of age is detrimental to development. The conclusion drawn from this is that a mother who puts her child into care is a “bad mother”. And once again, the blame is shifted to the mother rather than looking for a proper solution to the issue. Work places need to become more child friendly and more flexible work practices need to be created. I am lucky in that IT is a field where it’s easy to work from home but that freedom needs to be extended. If every mother were to stay at home with her children until aged 3 or 4 the economy would collapse – we simply could not support that kind of exit from the work force. This is broader than a mother or women’s issue – it’s an issue that affects everybody. A mother’s choice and needs should be supported – rather than engaging in “mummy wars” about whether a woman should work or not with children we should be looking for solutions that allow mothers to be with their kids whilst working. Mothers should not be made guilty for wanting to retain their careers, nor should they feel that the only valid choice for continuing their careers is if the money is necessary for the upkeep of the household. I read a book which suggested “if you could afford not to work, but you do go back to work, tell people that you need the extra money to pay the mortgage to avoid judgement.” I think we need to stop the judging and start working towards the solution.