The mean reds

Every mother I know with young children would tell you that it's the best time of their lives. But it can also be the hardest. Most moments are full of sparkling joy, but there are moments of hardship and sadness. Some of those are obvious - when your child is sick or they hurt themselves or the moment you realise that you cannot protect them from everything. But then there are other moments - harder to define, but no less difficult.

Sunday morning I had one of those moments. What do you do when a feeling more akin to Holly Golightly's mean reds*, rather than the blues, seizes you? My first reaction is guilt. I have a wonderful life filled with people I love. My family is healthy and we are financially secure. There is very little room in my life for complaint. Yet whether the lack of sleep finally caught up with me or Isaac’s neediness finally wore me down, on Sunday morning was inconsolable and struggled to understand why.

And, in a self-destructive way, I turn on my husband in moments like these. Nathan tries to understand, asks "what's wrong" and then offers a host of solutions. With great difficulty I try to articulate a feeling I don't quite understand and fall short. Instead I cite lack of sleep, lack of time to just be still, Isaac being too demanding. Problems with solutions.

The thing is, I know that I should give myself a break at work. I know that I don't have to accept every invitation to every single thing on the weekend. I know that if I did these things, that I would have more time to myself, to rest, to renew. What I don't know is how to be that person. I thrive on pressure at work and time with my friends and family is dear to me. Most of the time, these things are not a problem.

When the mean reds descend, it isn't solutions I want. The fact is that I don't know what I want and that is the crux of the issue. A sadness descends and guilt follows and frustration ices the cake. That Sunday morning I went to a BBQ brunch with a number of my mother’s group friends. As they asked me how I was, I was glad for large dark glasses hiding tears that I couldn’t fight. But at the same time I know that these mums have no doubt had these same feelings, and if anybody is going to understand it would be my dear friends. One of my lovely friends gave me the most helpful advice – Just be kinder to yourself. And perhaps that’s the most important thing to realise – when the mean reds visit, be kind enough to yourself to give yourself a break. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to run, run. If you need to scream, scream. And know that everything is better the next morning.

*Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Crocodile themed second birthday party

Before Isaac, Nathan and I would attend our toddler nieces' and nephew's lavish birthday parties. We would look at the number of people, the money invested in balloons and food, the time invested in invitations and decorations, shake our heads and vow that if/when we had kids, we'd keep it simple. Fast forward to Isaac's second birthday and of course I did anything but.

Isaac's actual birthday falls on the 24th December, but the past two years we have had his birthday party mid January to avoid Christmas conflicts. As most of Isaac's friends are born in November, my thoughts turned to birthday season a few months ahead of time. This is a double edged sword - I had plenty of time to prepare and plan but I also based the theme on Isaac's November obsession - crocodiles. Whilst Isaac's obsessions are passionate, they are not necessarily long-lived and by the time December started we had well and truly moved onto trains (in particular Thomas the Tank Engine). Nonetheless, we had planned a pool party around crocodiles and that is what we went with.

Isaac's birthday party date ended up falling smack bang in the middle of the Brisbane flood clean-up weekend. With a fair amount of angst (and failing ice supplies) we decide to go ahead with the party as we thought a bit of joy wouldn't go astray.

For anyone else thinking of a crocodile theme, here are some tips:

• A foil crocodile balloon was bought online for $9, and then filled up with helium at the local party store for $6. This is much, much cheaper than buying the whole thing from party stores, which would have been around $25.

• I made little crocodile pegs to top brown paper bags. These served as the party treat bags. I simply spray painted wooden pegs green, added googly eyes (they have to be the smallest you can get), added teeth with white out and placed cardboard ridges on top. You could add magnets to the back of the pegs, so that they become fridge magnets to hold artworks etc. Pegs and paper bags are dirt cheap, so this is a really cute cheap way to make party bags.

• His gorgeous cake was created by Janelle from Big Cake, Little Cake - . http://www.facebook.com/bigcakelittlecake (Brisbane only)

• I made a big crocodile for the centre of the table out of egg cartons, and he held lollies and chocolates.

• I also made some little crocodiles out of cardboard to hang and place on the tables.

• The invitations were made out of cardboard and in the shape of crocodile, whose mouth you opened to read the details.

• My mum and sister made gorgeous little cupcakes, topped with lolly crocodiles swimming on blue icing.

Do I think Isaac and his friends appreciated all of this? Maybe, maybe not - Isaac certainly loved the cake! But at the end of the day, it's nice to indulge in a bit of art and craft and I had a ball making and planning it all. And after all, isn't this kind of thing one of the perks of parenthood?

What I thought would be floods of tears

I am four days into my first full time working week after two years at home with Isaac. I would have presumed this blog post would about missing my baby or not remembering what five days of work felt like. Instead, I find myself amidst the worst natural disaster Brisbane has seen in three decades. When Isaac was ten months old, I returned to full time work for a couple months during the hurly burly of a move and then a merge. After that, I had a welcome reprieve and the option to work two days a week for a year. I had rather hoped my second return to full time work would be less exciting.

My workstation overlooks the Brisbane River. Over the past few days I have watched that river steadily expand her breadth, swallowing bike paths, then ferry stops and finally onto museums, ferris wheels and city streets. Like every other person I know I have been watching in amazement as helicopters stream footage of a swamped Suncorp Stadium, suburbs submerged and the roofs of flooded buildings that are nowhere near the river. I have been sent emails and seen images on Facebook of friend's houses that were inches away from being swallowed by the relentless tide. Everyone in Brisbane would know a dozen people barely spared and another half dozen who have lost everything. Yet against this devastation the sun has been shining for the first time in weeks, coinciding with an unexpected few days off for many. Looking out on my back yard, shiny and new after weeks of rain, the sun beating down on too-long grass, it is hard to imagine the destruction only a few suburbs away.

As part of an IT team, our job is to ensure continuity of service and for the last few days that's exactly what our team has been trying to achieve. Today I was in the office and the city was a surreal. Even those that were at work were dressed casually - not a suit in sight. Families were cycling, tourists were taking photos, people lined bridges to watch the debris rush by on the wake of a rapidly receding river. The atmosphere was almost rebellious and carnival like. When I picked up Isaac from care, there were families playing at every park I passed. Older kids were riding bikes or playing games on deserted roads. There was a nostalgic kind of joy about people unexpectedly freed up to do nothing but enjoy the sunshine.

Watching the relentless stream of media, which is surely as adamant as the river herself, one would never see this other side of the flood. Instead there seems to be a focus on trying to create the most upsetting headlines. When I was trying to assess whether we would be without power, the Courier Mail's sensational headline "plunging the Brisbane CBD into darkness" was less than helpful. Instead, updates from friends in the know on Facebook were much more useful. In the end of course only portions of the CBD were without power.

Facebook has proved its worth as a communication tool, with the QLD Police providing excellent updates and many businesses (ourselves included) utilising it to communicate with their staff. It has also provided a forum for people to connect quickly with necessary donations and volunteers. The number of my friends on Facebook that have offered their homes and their help is staggering. I, like many others I know, have been cheered by the generosity of so many.

We will gather our strength as a city. We will rebuild her and we will gather around our neighbours and help them back to their feet. But we will do so with a good measure of humour and enjoy the good with the bad. Just take a look at the bronzed Wally Lewis, sporting scuba gear and floaties in front of Suncorp Stadium.

One of my friends once said to me that Brisbanites always consider their city just on the cusp of growing up, but never quite there. This might be what pushes us into adulthood.

Christmas

I adore Christmas - by far my favourite part of the year. When the retailers start putting out their decorations (in October) I don't tut tut like everyone else, I am five years old again basking in the glitter and wonder.

This Christmas will be especially magical with Isaac two years old and able to grasp some of the concepts and excitement. In addition, I go back to work full time next year so every moment spent with him up until then is absolutely precious. So much of our experience of Christmas is shaped by our childhood memories, and I think it is a privilege to be part of creating that magic for Isaac.

When I think back to Christmas as a kid, I remember:

• Baking and decorating butter cookies with my sister, mum and grandmother
• Making decorations for the tree and hearing stories about the decorations we had made in years past
• The smell of pine needles and Jasmine. As a small child we always had a real tree and the smell lingered on the ornaments for many years after we succumbed to the Brisbane heat and bought a plastic tree. Mum and Dad have had Jasmine flower in Summer for as long as I can remember
• The way that Dad decorated our house to rival any department store (and still does!)
• Trimming the tree and listening to Ann Murray and Kenny Rogers singing Christmas Carols (so daggy, but I still get teary listening to that CD!)
• The way the table was set so beautifully, with the good china, for Christmas Eve dinner. Dad always made it look fantastic and we opened presents afterwards, as is the European tradition.
• Going in town on the train to look at the Myer Christmas windows and the big tree
• Staying up late to go midnight church services on Christmas eve and the sound of the choir

I will continue many of those traditions with Isaac, and add some of our own new ones:

• Looking at the streets filled with Christmas lights (God Bless those people who decorate their houses each year and bring so much joy!)
• Buying a gift to place under the K-Mart Christmas wishing tree for a child less fortunate
• A Christmas party with his friends
• A photo with Santa at the department store (Garden City's set up is truly magical). And yes, it is a little bit traumatic the first couple of years, but am told they think it's hilarious looking back on the photos in years to come
• My husband's family celebrate on Christmas Day, so we will have a morning filled with presents and a beautiful breakfast. An afternoon of even more food, with the adults napping and the kids playing with their new toys.

Our mothers group is going to have a morning dedicated to Christmas craft. Always a bit of a challenge with the littlies, but we have come up with a great list (thank goodness for the internet!):

• Reindeer collages, made up of a shoe traced for the reindeer head, and the hands traced for antlers. If you do this each year, then you can see how much they have grown. - http://www.allfreecrafts.com/christmas/reindeer-art.shtml
• Santa stars - http://www.enchantedlearning.com/crafts/Santastar.shtml
• Potato prints on paper for Christmas Wrap
• I am going to paint a Christmas Tree outline on a large, long but thin canvass (the kind you can get from dollar dazzler type shops very cheaply). I haven't quite decided if the kids can just glue and paint on the tree, or whether to make ornaments out of felt and place velcro on the tree so that they can "redecorate" to their hearts content. I love the latter idea, but hope I have time.

Toddlers and Sharing

I have a problem and I am not at all sure how to address it. You see I am part of a wonderful, wonderful mothers group filled with gorgeous kids and lovely ladies that have become good friends.

The issue is that during our recent catch ups Isaac has started grabbing toys. The other kids don't do this so I am the only one wrestling with their toddler. I know it's developmental and I know you can't really expect near 2 year olds to share but it's exhausting and makes me feel like a lacking parent. Particularly because the other children seem to share so beautifully.

It's also hard to know what to do - snatch the toy back and give it to the original claimant? Surely that's the same as hitting a child when they hit another - you are just using the behaviour you are trying to stop. But then can you reason with a 21 month old? "Isaac please give back that toy?" Falls on deaf little ears.

The other issue is what path do you take? Should you be encouraging sharing of the toy when another snatches it? Is that fair to say no snatching on one hand and then when another child snatches their toy to admonish them to share? And in a mothers group situation should you establish some rules and boundaries with the other parents so that everyone is on the same page? How do you address that tactfully? I guess you could blog about it!

At Isaac's day care they had the following on the wall.....

Toddler Rules of Ownership

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
11. If it's broken, but you are having fun playing with the pieces, it's mine again.
12. If there is ANY doubt, it's mine.

Isaac seems to have memorised the list and taken it to heart!

Crafty Kids - Fathers Day

One of the lovely things about having kids around is creating gifts and cards with them.

When they aren't quite able to grasp the concept of art and craft just yet, that can be a little challenging. Isaac and I have made two fathers day cards this year (one for Opa and one for his Daddy) With a little imagination, the scribblings of a 20 month old can easily be turned into "works of art".

Different coloured card placed on top of each other adds a nice 3-D touch and makes the drawing look special. I used a pair of scalloped scissors to get the edging.

For his daddy's card, Isaac drew with crayon on a sheet of A4 paper and I folded an oragmi shirt from the results. I followed this tutorial on YouTube - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uApUvt-xWJw I added a little tie, cut out from his previous drawing, and I think it looks quite sweet -

Before Isaac was really into colouring, we made Christmas cards out of tracings around his hands. A lovely little reminder of just how small he used to be!

Hand and footprints always make cute cards and wrapping paper and can be achieved by the littlest of tykes (although getting them to sit still can be a challenge!)

For handprints, you can buy "paint stampers" which are an easier way of getting your little one to make their own hand prints without having to brush on paint. I got the below at ArtShed.

I found that Art Shed at West End -http://www.artshedbrisbane.com.au/- is a wealth of kids art and craft ideas and materials. Right nearby is reverse garbage - http://www.reversegarbage.com.au/ - which also has great (and cheap) items to make stuff with (and has the advantage of being green as grass!)

The Working Mother

I have neglected this blog for sometime now and a kindly comment from a dear friend (you know who you are :) ) prompted me to write again.

The last few months have bore witness to the happiest and most difficult times of my life.

Isaac has fast grown into a little boy - rushing around the place, seeking (and finding!) mischief wherever he goes. Everything is to be wondered at and explored. He comes out with the most hilarious of things and Nathan and I wonder what those without 18 month olds do for entertainment. The other day he pointed at a line he had drawn and said “circle” - everything that is to do with drawing is a “circle” at the moment. “No,” we corrected, “Line.” To which Isaac replied “Roar!” He joins in singing nursery rhymes and his favourite book is “going on a bear hunt” as he can join in on the “Uh-Oh” and “Oh-No” parts of the book. He says “Yes” with such conviction but only shakes his head for no.

The challenging times stemmed from my going back to work. In October, I started back at work intending to work a four day week. As I returned we were in throes of moving buildings. This was incredible well managed by maternity replacement and in the end the move weekend went like clockwork. However, it was still a long weekend with only a few hours of sleep - as I was still breast feeding Isaac at night I returned home each evening and snatched a few hours of sleep before the feeding, driving, working cycle began again.

The next week was spent trouble shooting and putting on minor fires. When people asked me if I missed my little boy and I could honestly say I didn't even have time to think about it. Perhaps I was in denial, but picking him up at the end of a long day and seeing his gorgeous smile quickly became the highlight of my day.

Following the move, we merged with another firm, which brought on a month of long weeks to get the IT systems integrated. If this had happened before Isaac came along I would have relished the opportunity. However, I ended up feeling what thousands of working mothers have felt before me - that I wasn’t giving enough at home and I wasn’t giving enough at work – stretched so thin between the two, I was afraid I would break. In the end, the merge went very well and through support from Nathan and my family, Isaac didn’t suffer. Like having a child itself, being a working mother is one of things that you cannot truly understand until you are doing it. When working is combined with interrupted sleep and (in our case) child care arrangements that need to be made day by day, you begin to realise just how hard it can be. By the end of the month I was an emotional and physical wreck!

CGW is very supportive of families and I was very lucky to be offered a two day, rather than four day, a week role. I grabbed it with both hands and I have finally achieved a sense of balance between my working life and being home with my boy. Isaac is now settled at a terrific day care centre for my two working days. He seems to love it there - they have the kind of staff who make every parent think their child is the favourite.

When I am at work, I am still a mother, and when I am at home, I am still very concerned about my work. However, the days where each and every dream was about work and every thought centered around the current project are behind me now. I am still very committed to my job, but the work-life balance that always eluded me prior to Isaac seems to have been addressed by a gorgeous little fellow whose smile lights up my life.