Fulfilling Carer / Fulfilling Career

The other day, in that snatched kind of conversation that you only have with other mothers, we were talking about whether it is realistic to have both a truly fulfilling full-time career and a truly fulfilling experience as a mother. In between admonishing our toddlers to share their bikes, move out of the way of other kids coming down the slide, not to scale up the slide, and to eat some fruit along with the gingerbread cookies, we spoke about work and being a mother.

One friend quipped that it was perfectly within reach to have a fulfilling full-time career and still feel herself a fantastic mother - her husband just needed to stay home with their son. When I have suggested that I scale my work down to a few days per week, my husband, who truly does co-parent, says "well, I'd like to do that too." And he has a point - as husbands share the parenting duties, it's only fair that they ask for some of the perks as well.

But it is exhausting to drop Isaac at care, work from 8 - 5, pick up Isaac, get home to frantically make dinner (vegetarian, something a two year old likes to eat and within twenty minutes, thank you very much), put Isaac to bath and bed, catch up on any work that needed to be done but couldn't due to having to leave work at 5pm, fall into bed oneself and repeat. And those are the good days when there is no night waking. Nathan and I share the burden of this routine - one week when he was away for work I literally felt like a robot getting through this on my own and was, as always, amazed by single parents.

This is the price we pay for having it all - there simply isn't time to it all as well as we would like. Isaac is a happy and secure child - very well behaved and only occasionally clingy. His development is on par with his friends and I don't seen any negative behaviors that have emerged as a result of long day care hours. Out of the pair of us - he is doing a-okay!

What I worry about is my own inability to switch off from work mode and into family mode. I find it difficult to compartmentalise and whilst reading Isaac a story, one part of my brain is still solving issues at work. So I feel that Isaac isn't getting the best of me and I am not savoring those precious moments with him. I think this is one of the hardest tricks for parents to learn - to live in those moments with your child.

the things kids say

My last post was a little on the sad side and may have read self indulgent. That wasn't my intention, and many mums have confided that they have felt the same way from time to time. But onto happier things ... Isaac is now two years, three months and his every increasing vocabulary as well as the way he expresses things never fails to amuse me. We have been enjoying a number of Isaac-isms that I wanted to share:

"Happy Birthday" - no one just has a birthday, everyone has a "happy birthday". Used in a sentence - "it's your happy birthday today". Also fond of singing happy birthday whenever candles appear, whether this be due to an actual birthday cake or because we happen to be in a black-out.

"Noisy" - used as both an adjective and a noun. Used in a sentence - "Motor Bike making a noisy"

We recently purchased the movie Madagascar on DVD and Isaac's favourite bit is the "I like to move it" song. In fact, he likes it so much that he when he requests Madagascar to go on he says "I like to move it, move it" and when he wants to watch any other DVD he says "I don't like to move it, move it"

Whenever he sneezes he now says "Bless You Isaac"

We recently went on a camping trip with friends. Two of Isaac's best mates were there, Finley and Finn. When asked whether he like camping, he replied, "I love Finns"

Right now, I think I will never forget these, but I am sure that time will dull my memory and when Isaac is mono-syllabic teenager, I will be glad I recorded the memories.

Cute things, part two (from that ever present way of updating friends about the cute things your kids say - Faceook):

• Isaac is always coming up with gorgeous sayings and my current favourite is "ooh that's a little bit tricky". Used to describe anything he doesn't really want to do - eg. Isaac please eat your peas, "mummy, that's a little bit tricky".
• Watching the Victoria Secret parade on Foxtel and asked Isaac if he thought the ladies were pretty - he said "yes", paused and then said "but I am pretty too."

The mean reds

Every mother I know with young children would tell you that it's the best time of their lives. But it can also be the hardest. Most moments are full of sparkling joy, but there are moments of hardship and sadness. Some of those are obvious - when your child is sick or they hurt themselves or the moment you realise that you cannot protect them from everything. But then there are other moments - harder to define, but no less difficult.

Sunday morning I had one of those moments. What do you do when a feeling more akin to Holly Golightly's mean reds*, rather than the blues, seizes you? My first reaction is guilt. I have a wonderful life filled with people I love. My family is healthy and we are financially secure. There is very little room in my life for complaint. Yet whether the lack of sleep finally caught up with me or Isaac’s neediness finally wore me down, on Sunday morning was inconsolable and struggled to understand why.

And, in a self-destructive way, I turn on my husband in moments like these. Nathan tries to understand, asks "what's wrong" and then offers a host of solutions. With great difficulty I try to articulate a feeling I don't quite understand and fall short. Instead I cite lack of sleep, lack of time to just be still, Isaac being too demanding. Problems with solutions.

The thing is, I know that I should give myself a break at work. I know that I don't have to accept every invitation to every single thing on the weekend. I know that if I did these things, that I would have more time to myself, to rest, to renew. What I don't know is how to be that person. I thrive on pressure at work and time with my friends and family is dear to me. Most of the time, these things are not a problem.

When the mean reds descend, it isn't solutions I want. The fact is that I don't know what I want and that is the crux of the issue. A sadness descends and guilt follows and frustration ices the cake. That Sunday morning I went to a BBQ brunch with a number of my mother’s group friends. As they asked me how I was, I was glad for large dark glasses hiding tears that I couldn’t fight. But at the same time I know that these mums have no doubt had these same feelings, and if anybody is going to understand it would be my dear friends. One of my lovely friends gave me the most helpful advice – Just be kinder to yourself. And perhaps that’s the most important thing to realise – when the mean reds visit, be kind enough to yourself to give yourself a break. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to run, run. If you need to scream, scream. And know that everything is better the next morning.

*Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Crocodile themed second birthday party

Before Isaac, Nathan and I would attend our toddler nieces' and nephew's lavish birthday parties. We would look at the number of people, the money invested in balloons and food, the time invested in invitations and decorations, shake our heads and vow that if/when we had kids, we'd keep it simple. Fast forward to Isaac's second birthday and of course I did anything but.

Isaac's actual birthday falls on the 24th December, but the past two years we have had his birthday party mid January to avoid Christmas conflicts. As most of Isaac's friends are born in November, my thoughts turned to birthday season a few months ahead of time. This is a double edged sword - I had plenty of time to prepare and plan but I also based the theme on Isaac's November obsession - crocodiles. Whilst Isaac's obsessions are passionate, they are not necessarily long-lived and by the time December started we had well and truly moved onto trains (in particular Thomas the Tank Engine). Nonetheless, we had planned a pool party around crocodiles and that is what we went with.

Isaac's birthday party date ended up falling smack bang in the middle of the Brisbane flood clean-up weekend. With a fair amount of angst (and failing ice supplies) we decide to go ahead with the party as we thought a bit of joy wouldn't go astray.

For anyone else thinking of a crocodile theme, here are some tips:

• A foil crocodile balloon was bought online for $9, and then filled up with helium at the local party store for $6. This is much, much cheaper than buying the whole thing from party stores, which would have been around $25.

• I made little crocodile pegs to top brown paper bags. These served as the party treat bags. I simply spray painted wooden pegs green, added googly eyes (they have to be the smallest you can get), added teeth with white out and placed cardboard ridges on top. You could add magnets to the back of the pegs, so that they become fridge magnets to hold artworks etc. Pegs and paper bags are dirt cheap, so this is a really cute cheap way to make party bags.

• His gorgeous cake was created by Janelle from Big Cake, Little Cake - . http://www.facebook.com/bigcakelittlecake (Brisbane only)

• I made a big crocodile for the centre of the table out of egg cartons, and he held lollies and chocolates.

• I also made some little crocodiles out of cardboard to hang and place on the tables.

• The invitations were made out of cardboard and in the shape of crocodile, whose mouth you opened to read the details.

• My mum and sister made gorgeous little cupcakes, topped with lolly crocodiles swimming on blue icing.

Do I think Isaac and his friends appreciated all of this? Maybe, maybe not - Isaac certainly loved the cake! But at the end of the day, it's nice to indulge in a bit of art and craft and I had a ball making and planning it all. And after all, isn't this kind of thing one of the perks of parenthood?

What I thought would be floods of tears

I am four days into my first full time working week after two years at home with Isaac. I would have presumed this blog post would about missing my baby or not remembering what five days of work felt like. Instead, I find myself amidst the worst natural disaster Brisbane has seen in three decades. When Isaac was ten months old, I returned to full time work for a couple months during the hurly burly of a move and then a merge. After that, I had a welcome reprieve and the option to work two days a week for a year. I had rather hoped my second return to full time work would be less exciting.

My workstation overlooks the Brisbane River. Over the past few days I have watched that river steadily expand her breadth, swallowing bike paths, then ferry stops and finally onto museums, ferris wheels and city streets. Like every other person I know I have been watching in amazement as helicopters stream footage of a swamped Suncorp Stadium, suburbs submerged and the roofs of flooded buildings that are nowhere near the river. I have been sent emails and seen images on Facebook of friend's houses that were inches away from being swallowed by the relentless tide. Everyone in Brisbane would know a dozen people barely spared and another half dozen who have lost everything. Yet against this devastation the sun has been shining for the first time in weeks, coinciding with an unexpected few days off for many. Looking out on my back yard, shiny and new after weeks of rain, the sun beating down on too-long grass, it is hard to imagine the destruction only a few suburbs away.

As part of an IT team, our job is to ensure continuity of service and for the last few days that's exactly what our team has been trying to achieve. Today I was in the office and the city was a surreal. Even those that were at work were dressed casually - not a suit in sight. Families were cycling, tourists were taking photos, people lined bridges to watch the debris rush by on the wake of a rapidly receding river. The atmosphere was almost rebellious and carnival like. When I picked up Isaac from care, there were families playing at every park I passed. Older kids were riding bikes or playing games on deserted roads. There was a nostalgic kind of joy about people unexpectedly freed up to do nothing but enjoy the sunshine.

Watching the relentless stream of media, which is surely as adamant as the river herself, one would never see this other side of the flood. Instead there seems to be a focus on trying to create the most upsetting headlines. When I was trying to assess whether we would be without power, the Courier Mail's sensational headline "plunging the Brisbane CBD into darkness" was less than helpful. Instead, updates from friends in the know on Facebook were much more useful. In the end of course only portions of the CBD were without power.

Facebook has proved its worth as a communication tool, with the QLD Police providing excellent updates and many businesses (ourselves included) utilising it to communicate with their staff. It has also provided a forum for people to connect quickly with necessary donations and volunteers. The number of my friends on Facebook that have offered their homes and their help is staggering. I, like many others I know, have been cheered by the generosity of so many.

We will gather our strength as a city. We will rebuild her and we will gather around our neighbours and help them back to their feet. But we will do so with a good measure of humour and enjoy the good with the bad. Just take a look at the bronzed Wally Lewis, sporting scuba gear and floaties in front of Suncorp Stadium.

One of my friends once said to me that Brisbanites always consider their city just on the cusp of growing up, but never quite there. This might be what pushes us into adulthood.

Christmas

I adore Christmas - by far my favourite part of the year. When the retailers start putting out their decorations (in October) I don't tut tut like everyone else, I am five years old again basking in the glitter and wonder.

This Christmas will be especially magical with Isaac two years old and able to grasp some of the concepts and excitement. In addition, I go back to work full time next year so every moment spent with him up until then is absolutely precious. So much of our experience of Christmas is shaped by our childhood memories, and I think it is a privilege to be part of creating that magic for Isaac.

When I think back to Christmas as a kid, I remember:

• Baking and decorating butter cookies with my sister, mum and grandmother
• Making decorations for the tree and hearing stories about the decorations we had made in years past
• The smell of pine needles and Jasmine. As a small child we always had a real tree and the smell lingered on the ornaments for many years after we succumbed to the Brisbane heat and bought a plastic tree. Mum and Dad have had Jasmine flower in Summer for as long as I can remember
• The way that Dad decorated our house to rival any department store (and still does!)
• Trimming the tree and listening to Ann Murray and Kenny Rogers singing Christmas Carols (so daggy, but I still get teary listening to that CD!)
• The way the table was set so beautifully, with the good china, for Christmas Eve dinner. Dad always made it look fantastic and we opened presents afterwards, as is the European tradition.
• Going in town on the train to look at the Myer Christmas windows and the big tree
• Staying up late to go midnight church services on Christmas eve and the sound of the choir

I will continue many of those traditions with Isaac, and add some of our own new ones:

• Looking at the streets filled with Christmas lights (God Bless those people who decorate their houses each year and bring so much joy!)
• Buying a gift to place under the K-Mart Christmas wishing tree for a child less fortunate
• A Christmas party with his friends
• A photo with Santa at the department store (Garden City's set up is truly magical). And yes, it is a little bit traumatic the first couple of years, but am told they think it's hilarious looking back on the photos in years to come
• My husband's family celebrate on Christmas Day, so we will have a morning filled with presents and a beautiful breakfast. An afternoon of even more food, with the adults napping and the kids playing with their new toys.

Our mothers group is going to have a morning dedicated to Christmas craft. Always a bit of a challenge with the littlies, but we have come up with a great list (thank goodness for the internet!):

• Reindeer collages, made up of a shoe traced for the reindeer head, and the hands traced for antlers. If you do this each year, then you can see how much they have grown. - http://www.allfreecrafts.com/christmas/reindeer-art.shtml
• Santa stars - http://www.enchantedlearning.com/crafts/Santastar.shtml
• Potato prints on paper for Christmas Wrap
• I am going to paint a Christmas Tree outline on a large, long but thin canvass (the kind you can get from dollar dazzler type shops very cheaply). I haven't quite decided if the kids can just glue and paint on the tree, or whether to make ornaments out of felt and place velcro on the tree so that they can "redecorate" to their hearts content. I love the latter idea, but hope I have time.

Toddlers and Sharing

I have a problem and I am not at all sure how to address it. You see I am part of a wonderful, wonderful mothers group filled with gorgeous kids and lovely ladies that have become good friends.

The issue is that during our recent catch ups Isaac has started grabbing toys. The other kids don't do this so I am the only one wrestling with their toddler. I know it's developmental and I know you can't really expect near 2 year olds to share but it's exhausting and makes me feel like a lacking parent. Particularly because the other children seem to share so beautifully.

It's also hard to know what to do - snatch the toy back and give it to the original claimant? Surely that's the same as hitting a child when they hit another - you are just using the behaviour you are trying to stop. But then can you reason with a 21 month old? "Isaac please give back that toy?" Falls on deaf little ears.

The other issue is what path do you take? Should you be encouraging sharing of the toy when another snatches it? Is that fair to say no snatching on one hand and then when another child snatches their toy to admonish them to share? And in a mothers group situation should you establish some rules and boundaries with the other parents so that everyone is on the same page? How do you address that tactfully? I guess you could blog about it!

At Isaac's day care they had the following on the wall.....

Toddler Rules of Ownership

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
11. If it's broken, but you are having fun playing with the pieces, it's mine again.
12. If there is ANY doubt, it's mine.

Isaac seems to have memorised the list and taken it to heart!